(by ELLEN ROGERS)

So my parents both know of Louis and his age, and are relatively cool about it.

My mother in particular has been extremely supportive and calm about it all, I can’t say enough how grateful I am. My father gave me the 20 questions, even if I haven’t talked to him in person about it, but I wrote each of my family letters about various things, but in particular the parent letters addressed the Louis “issue”. So they know. And accept it. And aren’t treating me like I’m 16.

I’m extremely grateful, I say it again.

As for Lou, he and I had another heart-to-heart. I started snifflin in bed and he asked me what was wrong. I shed a few tears and began to vent. I guess I just hadn’t dealt with actually graduating/being out of school and dealing with “what comes next”… then again it’s only been a week, guess I should give myself more credit. He was sweet, as always, and encouraged me a lot. In a lot of ways we’re both going through a phase of “change” and deciding what to do.

We eventually got to the subject of “us”, and how sometimes I feel disconnected from him on certain days. Some days we act like a couple, and other days we don’t,—I’m guilty of being disconnected too. We came to the conclusion that relationships hurt…and suck.. so basically we both have our days when we have to remind ourselves to keep each other at an arm’s length in a way, but we both recognized that with time, you grow closer and care more, regardless.

He again thinks he’s in more of a “settling down” place than I am, and yet, he could be leaving his job any day, and moving somewhere else to find something more fulfilling and satisfying. As for me, I’m graduated…and my minimum age of even thinking about marriage at this point is 25, I’m not sure he wants to wait around that long.

But we decided not to make a decision…and to just keep hanging out and enjoying each other’s company. I get to see a side not many see of him, or so he says, and he enjoys being his nerdy self and geekin out with me, and I with him. I’ve told him things that I’ve never told anyone before for fear of sounding too… “out there”..and he accepts and more importantly, “gets” me. I value him immensely.

So who knows. Despite my job possibility, I don’t particularly want to move to Dallas. I’d still like to move towards Austin/Round Rock, and in the mean time may end up in Temple…so… we’ll see what happens.

It’s kind of odd and comforting to know that someone feels the same way I do about relationships and can be as cool with it as he is…and yet still take good care of me.

He is truly the sweetest.

I woke up to my cat breaking one of my hand painted coffee mugs, ugh.

Feels appropriate.

I know things are going to eventually come out.

I can’t say how glad I am that my mother has been so open minded and calm, and able to listen to me explain how I feel about Louis and how I feel about my life.

I just wish she would explain it more to the family. I always have to rehash everything and then they all get butt hurt about me not telling them. Communication has never been my family’s strong point. Being home reminds me just how disconnected we all are.

I want to change that, but I know it’s no easy task. I know that along with this change I want to bring, it’s going to bring the thing I hate the most… hurting and disappointing the people I love, but I feel it’s the only way now. I’m no longer a school girl, it’s time for me to accept the responsibility and consequences of my actions, whether they are wrong OR right.

I am going to wait for the real nitty gritty due to the mother’s day holiday, since I feel it would be a little bit cruel to do such, but I want to write my family each a letter of real communication. I’m not the best with words in conversation, so I figure due to my escapee nature and for eloquence, I will write. We’re ALL going through a weird time, but I want them to know where I’m at.

I figure even if they don’t believe me, I’ve said where I’m at, and maybe there’s a chance they will believe me when I say that I’m not going off the deep end, I’m not rebelling, I’m not reacting to a hurt, I’m merely figuring things out. Simply working through what I want out of life.

I’m asking why, I’m experiencing, I’m sifting out what is the most important.

I don’t mean to twist the truth, but I know I can’t be fully who I am around you.

If I told the truth, I’d only feel the scarlet letter under my blouse burn brighter.

Mort Kunstler (by oldcarguy41)

Prepare for gunfire.

if i could only write one last song it’d be for you
for you
i’d leave it behind,
a capsule in time,
to show you, how deep this goes.

all my life,
i’ve waited for the day when captured;
caught inside.
the spiral, spitting image of a book with stages,
a tale for the ages
so don’t be afraid.

in days that are dark,
you’ll never fail to be honest
and beautiful.
i can see this happening for a reason.
this new season
is redemption.

all my life

She came over to help me move all of my shit from my third story apartment, she really is the best. We took it easy and packed up some more until we had Lou’s help with moving the heavy stuff. She and I had awesome talks about life, and my grandfather’s passing, what happens next with me graduating, and how she’s been feeling. I love her so much.

When Lou got off work he changed and came over immediately,—I’m so appreciative of him. He really does do an immense amount for me, and never says “okay, that’s enough”. He is truly the sweetest.

When he came to the door he gave me a big hug and kindly introduced himself to my mother. He hugged me again and we both smiled at each other. I knew it’d be obvious, and I knew that my mother had already her suspicions,-I did that on purpose. I’ve been talking about him and she knows how happy I am in general with traveling and being around my artistic inspirations.

After we moved everything out (I purposefully left them alone at times to talk ;) ) we went out to eat with the crew! I was so glad she could meet my wonderful art friends. Lou was pretty quiet until he had some snarky sharp comment to throw back at Lauren, haha, he is the funniest person I know.

My mother I’m sure caught the looks across the table we were giving each other. :)

I hugged her goodbye after dinner and sent her on her way home, and when she got home she texted me that she was safe, and then said, “I see those little ‘sparks’ between you and Lou, just so you know, I know X.U” I told her that I knew that she knew :) we could talk more about it later and proceeded to blurb on about how sweet he is.

She said the magic words, “He IS the sweetest. I approve. ;-)”

I of course digressed more about how cool he is.

He and I stayed at Jody’s restaurant for hours after that, just sitting in the back of his truck bed. I could tell he was thinking heavily on something. He was carrying conversation, but his mind was somewhere else.

I left him a note the other day after our big talk on Sunday, and our concerns/slight fears about things and so I said, “Well, I guess the question now is,-at the end of the day, would you rather it be with or without me?”

While we talked on the truck bed, he almost asked me to live with him for the summer, but he said he’d been strong armed into that before and the whole situation just wasn’t bad. I already knew that though, I remembered him saying “I wouldn’t ever live with someone again. I’m either not dating them if they ask or I’m marrying them.” He said, “And I’m sure with us it would be fine, but it just makes me nervous.” I agreed, I don’t want to live with anyone even until I can handle my own rent and such. I hate being a burden. I said, “Yeah, plus you work during the week, you don’t need me around taking up your space.” He said, smiling, “But I do want you around,… so I guess the answer is ‘with’.”

I’ll be around on the weekends, so I’ll see him enough. :) And I’m looking to move down that way anyways so I can use the shop and still be around the art-eests! Possibly work at the glass shop.

As for his mind being on a lot of things,—I realized just how much he IS like me. Sometimes things of the world just weigh heavy, and he talked to me about it. He’s worked with special needs kids at Cedarcrest home, and saved babies even from his little job at Pop-a-lock. Now he works at Social Security and I think feels some sort of guilt or at a standstill for helping these people milk the system. I see it bothers him a lot, and it especially did last night. He explained to me about how he sees so much pain in the world, and how he wants to fix it. He wants to do something worthwhile. He wants to make at least “A” change he said.

Good lord, he truly is the sweetest. He loves on me and his friends beyond measure, and I know he’s going to continue to great things, he already has done so many in my life. He’s helped me open up, and relax when I’m freaking out, and most of all feel cared for and valued.

I kinda don’t want my life to be without him, and that’s an exciting and frightening thought all at once.

“I really enjoy you and your company. You’re brilliant, and foxy, and I feel very much myself with you.”

I told myself I wouldn’t “feel” again, I was done with this romantic shit, and yet here I am.

I can’t help it any more though.

I could at first. At first I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t care. I was going to get in, get out, and say thanks for the nice meals n such. But things changed… I found someone who has the same demeanor as me, the same insight and deeper-than-the-average shmuck sort of thinking, the thinking that makes your brain hurt,-trying to decipher the intricate codes of life, dreams, and the universe… need I mention again our nerdiness?

I find myself missing you, even though I just saw you. Here I am stuck in this “dumb romantic shit” again, eh? But it’s different this time. I feel like I’ve said that every time, but really, it is. It’s not drama. Even as happy as I was with TJ, there was always drama, always a problem, always give and take, and with you,—it’s easy. It’s simple. It just makes sense.

You said today, “I don’t want you to leave.”

I realized today that it’s the first time anyone has said that to me.

We serious.